Lily's Guide to Life and Crumple Horned Snorkacks
by xSlytherclaWx
Summary: In full: Lily's Guide to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Crumple-Horned Snorkacks. Lily Potter, upon seeing all the couples at Hogwarts that need setting up, decides to do them all a favor. She may be odd, but she's one determined 12 year old. no incest


_**Lily's Guide To Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Crumple-Horned Snorkacks**_

**Chapter One**

They were acting so ridiculous.

I mean, sure, they were broken up and all, but this was a bit much, even for them.

He'd always, as long as I'd known him (which is quite a while) been insecure, though honestly, he did try to hide it. Plus, that bloke could hold a grudge like woah.

She'd always had a short temper, but… this was just stupid.

Sure, Paul Abbott is attractive, popular, smart…

But he's Nolan's bloody _cousin_.

Imagine if Scorpius decided to go out with me; Rose would be murderous towards the both of us.

So I don't blame him for his actions as much as I blame her for hers.

(Of course, as much as this may sadden me; Scorpius and Rose are not, in fact dating. I should make a note to push them together…)

My brother James is pretty stressed over the lot of it, as both of them are friends with him, and now they won't even be in the same room with each other.

"Lily, hey, I'm bored."

That would be Louis, my cousin. His name, he'll tell you, is not pronounced like "Lewis" instead, you have to call him "Louie".

"Well, I'm sure Freddie's planning something."

Louis made a face. "Yuck. Pranks are awful. No, I was thinking more along the lines of a wackspurt hunt."

Louis is the only other one I know, excluding Lysander Scamander, who's a year ahead of us, and my cousin Ellie, who's a seventh year, who loves and believes in my Auntie Luna's magazine, _the Quibbler _like I do.

Ellie doesn't really believe all of it, but she's definitely open to it.

My friend Evie Davies thinks that Louis and I are insane, and we should play more Quidditch.

Here's something that'll make you gasp: I can't play Quidditch.

My mum was a Chaser for the Hollyhead Harpies Quidditch team, and my dad got numerous offers (he was a _brilliant_ Seeker in school).

James and Albus, my brothers, are excellent at it.

I can fly, yeah, I'm great at _that_.

But my coordination is what needs work.

And unfortunately, I'd have to be Ella Enchanted of Frell to be able to get those skills, that is to say, it'd have to be an order that I'd have to follow or die (have you ever read _Ella Enchanted_? No? Read it, it's brilliant.)

Trust me, that's one thing that Nolan and I have in common: our lousy coordination.

"Lily, wackspurt hunt?"

"Oh," I said, coming out of my reverie. "Yeah, well, they go to Hogsmeade today, I was planning on spying, but we can always check out Madame Puddifoot's for wackspurts, too."

"Wicked," he grinned. "You're going to get us in again?"

"Duh. Uncle Fred and Auntie Skye adore us. We're two of the cutest Weasley children _ever_."

Louis grinned. "Oui, that's true."

Did I mention that Louis is French? Well, half-French, but he's fluent in it and spends at least half of every summer in France.

He's so unbelievably lucky. Do you know how many hidden creatures live in France?

So he's always show-off-y about his French-ness.

"So, can you steal James's Cloak, being the only Frenchy Weasley in Gryffindor?"

"…You're in Gryffindor, too, you do it!"

"You're kidding me, right?"

"No, I'm not," Louis said, sticking his tongue out at me for good measure.

"Fine, fine, I'll do it," I groaned.

Louis grinned, the scoundrel, and I left the table, and went towards Gryffindor Tower.

"Hey, Lily!"

I rolled my eyes, but stopped anyway.

"Yes?"

Nolan grimaced. "Yeah, I know I'm annoying you, but maybe, do you know if they're…?"

I groaned. Really, he needed to get over her. "Yes, Ellie and Paul will be in Hogsmeade. But you seriously sound like a bloody sap. And you can't follow them."

"No, see, they're going, so I'm staying here."

"No, you need to go!" I said quickly.

Nolan raised an eyebrow. "Why? I _think_ I'm the older one…"

He had a point. He's five years older than me.

"Because…" Blast, why does he need to go? "I, uhm, need some sweets from Honeydukes, and as Ellie won't go near it now because she's all 'grown up', please, I need you to get me some, because Freddie and James have dates and I have an incurable sweet tooth. …Please?"

Well… it was all true. But I was going to get myself sweets… ah well.

He groaned, annoyed. "Fine. But you owe me."

"Thank you!" I hugged him. "I'll pay you _after_ you get back."

"No. Don't pay me, it's okay. Besides, I should stop sulking anyway."

He tried to grin, but it came out a terrible grimace.

"Maybe you should move on," I suggested.

"…He's my cousin, you know. Had it been anyone else, but no, she's got to choose _him_."

"I'm quite sure that wasn't her intention…"

"But what if it was?"

"It wasn't," I said with a groan. "Trust me."

"I'm pathetic, aren't I?"

"Yes."

He glared at me. "You weren't supposed to _agree_ with me!"

"It's true. Anyway, I've got to go, and _you've _got a carriage to catch."

"You… you just called me pathetic!"

"You. Go. To. Hogsmeade," I said slowly.

Nolan rolled his eyes. "Fine." He left.

Nolan really is a sweet guy, don't let this dissuade you. He's just hopelessly hung up on my cousin like a lovesick teenager…

Wait… he is that. But, he's really… I mean, yeah, they did go out for two years on-and-of, but…

Nolan's just being stupid, as he's the one who told Ellie he didn't want to go out with her this year.

Boys.

Anyway, I let this deter me from Gryffindor Tower.

"Onward to the Tower!" I yelled before marching to Gryffindor Tower where, imagine this, I forgot the password.

"Canis Lupus Familiarus," someone said behind me.

As the portrait hole opened, I turned around to find none other than Louis.

"Honestly, I could have gotten the Cloak in half the time."

-X-

_**Author's Note:**__ Because I'm awful, I had to post a new story rather than updating my old ones. I fail, I know. If you'll notice, seventeen-year-old Ellie is very different from the fifteen-year-old Ellie in _Perfect Situation_, isn't she?_

**Disclaimer:** I own: Ellie, Nolan, Skye, and Paul. Not Harry Potter. If I did, I assure you, I would have spared Lupin, Tonks, Dobby, Sirius, and, most importantly, Fred.

**Reviews are appreciated, especially those telling me to quit procrastinating and just update my other stories already!**


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